Q: What’s the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds
Q:What’s the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 45 minutes
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.
Q: What is a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!
Q: What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They’ve never met.
Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m *sooo* drunk!”
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”
Q: What’s a brunette’s mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: “All the blondes have gone home!”
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in?
A: “Have another beer.”
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and “The Titanic”?
A: They know how many men went down on “The Titanic”.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.
Q: What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, “Aren’t you done yet?”
The nympho says, “Are you done already?”
The blonde says, “Beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said,
“Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
Debra replied, “Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache.”
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
“Well,” the man says, “I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”
“What kind of question?” the neighbor asks.
“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”
“That’s easy,” says the neighbor. “You just say, ‘Of course I will’”.
“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.”
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“Yep,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say… should we get naked?”
Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady replied breathlessly, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other’s in your oatmeal!”
Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven and attend an orientation.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to the local nursing home in Dublin and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast including All Bran and some toast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems ok, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later on the family arrives to see how yer ol’ wan is adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except them feckers won’t let me fart.”
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says, “In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world. Nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away.” Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying, “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world; Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away.” Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts. Accordingly, starting January 1, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to it’s size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard form.
*12-10 inches - Luxury Tax –$500.00
10-8 inches - Pole Tax –$300.00
8-6 inches - Privilege Tax –$150.00
6-4 inches - Nuisance Tax –$50.00
4-2 inches - Hamster Tax — $10.00
Please Note:
- Anyone under 2 inches is eligible for a full refund.
-*Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.
Please do not request an extension
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
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