Archives for the 'Uncategorized' Category
Give up drugs
Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew […]
Seminar in Texas
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think […]
Getting Fixed
Two dogs were sitting in a vet’s office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, “Whatcha doing here?”
The little dog responds, “I’m getting ‘fixed’. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It’s very embarrassing.”
The first dog says, “Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning […]
Acceptable excuse
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there could be only two acceptable excuses for being late. A medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.
A smart-ass student in the […]
Golden Wedding
Jim, age 92, and Diane, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about […]
Great Truths that…
Great Truths that Little Children have Learned
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a […]
Vasectomy at home
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough.
As the social wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed and they weren’t strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a […]
What makes you and your boss be different?
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your […]
Metric versus Imperial
Due to a lot of confusion between inches and liters, miles and centimeters it was decided to apply a new really International universal system of measurements:
’bout this tall
’bout this wide
’bout this big
’bout yay hot
’bout yay cold
Tragedy in Eastern Canada
Canada’s worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
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