The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn’t happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

“Miss Fitzgerald”, he said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Sure”, she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realised that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said,”Oi mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Flapps.”

The landlord nodded and said, “Oh well, if you’re that far in, you might as well finish.

8 July 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments

It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetart, how’d you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds ’cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff.” I then said, “Look you little Reece Piece, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O’ Honey?” (What a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too). She screamed, “Oh, Crackerjack, you’re better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was givin’ it too her Good ‘n’ Plenty, when all of a sudden…my Starburst.

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped……..a Baby Ruth.

8 July 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Several weeks ago, we hired a new blonde secretary who wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box. One day when she was typing, she turned to another secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”"Just use the copier machine paper,” the other responded. With that,the blonde took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier, and proceeded to make five blank copies.

8 July 2007 | Blondes | No Comments

There was a guy who was grocery shopping…when he was done he went up the cashier. He put all his stuff on the counter. He had a frozen pizza, case of pepsi, loaf of bread, thing of bologna, a bag of dorito’s, and a 4 pack of toliet paper.
The cashier started to tally up his total, looked up at him and said “you’re single right?”
The guy says “you figured that by what i am buying right?”

The cashier said “no, cause you’re friggen ugly…”

8 July 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments

You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
It’s ok when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because
you are someone else.
40 years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.
If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.
It doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
Less guilt the next morning.
And the number 1 reason Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex…
You can “DO” the whole neighborhood!!!!

8 July 2007 | List of... | No Comments

Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says, “I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe.”

The other says, “I just wish it were dark.”

8 July 2007 | Sex, Rednecks | No Comments

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. “Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how’s about a quick screw?” said Bert. Mabel’s answer as expected was, “No Bert, it’s only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize.”

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, “It is still 5 days to go and as you’ve been a good fellow,
I’ll let you have a little feel of your prize.”

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, “I can see what your problem is but you’ve still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize.”

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel’s skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, “Mabel, do you think it will keep ’till Saturday”

7 July 2007 | Love, Men, Women | No Comments

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, “IF YOU DON'’T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I’LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!”

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, “did you jump?”

The boy said, “A little at first!”

7 July 2007 | Army jokes | No Comments

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them.

They decide that when they get home, they’ll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says, “Man, I don’t think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said, ‘Why don’t you burn the whole house down?’ That place is still smoldering.”

The second guy said, “That ain’t nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. My wife said, ‘Why don’t you tear the whole car apart?’ It took me all night.”

The third guy said, “You guys don’t have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said, ‘Cut that out!’”

He held out his hands. “Ever seen one of these real close?”

7 July 2007 | Men, Women | No Comments

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.

Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two?

Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

7 July 2007 | Men | No Comments