A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”

The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?”

and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…”

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, “Gambling.”

“Gambling?,” he says.

“What sort of gambling?”

“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.

“I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!” The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?”

“Ok, have it your way,” said the president, and they shook hands on it.

“See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning,” said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

“Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?”

said the president.

“He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”

“No, perfectly understandable,” said the president.

“Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.

“Not so fast!” said the little old lady.

“For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

“Ok, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

“What’s wrong with him?”

asks the bank president.

“Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”

7 July 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed it.

Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn’t worried about this man who practiced black magic and swore he would dig his out of the grave to come back and haunt her for the rest of her life?

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down.”

6 July 2007 | Women | No Comments

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her “What sizes do you need?”

She replies “15 inches.”

He exclaims “15 INCHES?! What room are they for?”
She says, “I only need one, and it’s not for a room. It’s for my computer monitor.”

The surprised salesman exclaims, “Miss, computers do not have curtains.”

The blond says “HELLOOooooooo…. I’ve got Windows!”

6 July 2007 | Blondes, Computers | No Comments

- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
- Your orgasms are real. Always.
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Foreplay is optional.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
- The world is your urinal.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
- Wrinkles add character.
- You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. ‘Nuff said..
- People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don’t cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
- Porn movies are designed with you in mind. *So true*

6 July 2007 | Uncategorized, Men, List of... | No Comments

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”

The father replies “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!”

5 July 2007 | Uncategorized, Kids | No Comments

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Where, if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly macked with a spatula by his wife……

She said, “They’re for the funeral.”

5 July 2007 | Love, Men, Women | No Comments

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes: Whatever you wish for, your husband will also get ten times more or better!”

The woman said, “That would be okay,” and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to.”

The woman replied,”That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.”

So, KAZAM - she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.”

The woman said, “That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.”

So, KAZAM - she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

The moral of the story: Women are clever bitches.

5 July 2007 | Men, Women | No Comments

Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd boy)

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”

“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison….. and (pointing to the large circle) this is your asshole after prison.

5 July 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.”

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes’ silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index finger?”

After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.

4 July 2007 | Medical humor | No Comments

An 83-year old woman decided that she’d seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn’t certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

4 July 2007 | Women, Medical humor, Odd jokes | No Comments